Q&A: Balancing Care and Privacy

Question:

My mom is reluctant to admit that she needs extra care, but at the same time I think it’s important for some people to know about her condition—neighbors who might be concerned when they see people coming and going from her home, or friends and family who might want to help. How can I respect her privacy yet still make sure the necessary people are informed?

Answer:

Assuming your mother is still able to participate in making decisions, it’s important to include her as you come up with a solution.

You might want to look into the cause of her reluctance: Does it stem from concern about nosey neighbors? Does she relish her privacy and have no interest in discussing her health with “everyone”? Or is she still coming to terms with her illness or condition and perhaps uncomfortable admitting she needs help?

Once you know the reasons, you may be able to address them directly. Your mom might agree to informing a few close neighbors of relevant details about her condition (but ask them to keep the situation private) and coming up with a general story for those who might gossip. If the thought of fielding dozens of phone calls is exhausting, designate a point person who can coordinate meal delivery and yard work and keep family and friends up-to-date. If your mom has always taken care of others, she may find it very difficult to be on the receiving end. Remind her that accepting help is still, in a way, a form of giving to other people—only she’s now giving them the opportunity to do what she’s enjoyed for so long.