Q&A: Grief and Dementia

Question:

My father’s dementia is getting worse—he’s beginning to ask about people who died years ago. His younger brother just passed away. Is it necessary to tell him?

Answer

It can be a shock when a loved one with dementia inquires about the welfare of long-gone friends or relatives. You might come to accept that your dad has forgotten milestone events or even the names of his grandchildren, but realizing that he’s no longer aware that a life-long friend or close family member has passed can be unnerving.

Whether you tell your father might depend on several factors: 

• How advanced is his dementia? 
• Will he accept the news or is it likely that he’ll call you a liar (or worse)? 
• Was he close to his brother, and does he speak about him much now? 
• Will he be able to attend the funeral? 
• If you tell him, will he remember the news?

Pat Sherman’s husband didn’t remember. John would ask her about their children when she’d visit. The first time he asked, “And how is Karen?” she panicked. Karen had died in a car accident many years earlier. When Pat reminded him, it was as though John was hearing the news for the first time. After speaking with her priest and the staff at John’s facility, Pat developed a plan that wouldn’t cause John to grieve anew every time he heard of his daughter’s death but that wouldn’t involve dishonesty. When John asked about Karen, she’d say, “The last time I spoke with her she was doing well. She sounded really happy.” If he asked whether she was going to visit soon, she’d say, “She doesn’t live nearby anymore—remember, she moved out West? She’s in California now.”

Memory is an important tool in working through grief, and it’s one that a person with dementia often has trouble using effectively. Being aware of how your loved one will react to the news and how they’ll process it should guide you.